Both... And...
About two years ago I had a really bad spin out with my anxiety. It had peaked in a way that was impacting every aspect of my life- my work performance, my personal relationships, and my health. I sought help and was exposed to a type of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It is a therapy that tries to identify and change negative thinking patterns and pushes for positive behavioral change. The term dialectical comes from the idea of bringing together acceptance and change… that you can both accept challenges in your life and work to overcome them.
In simple terms, a dialectic is a “both… and…”
-You can both sound confident and have anxiety.
-You can both look healthy but feel like shit.
-You can both look happy but be miserable inside.
One of the key principles of DBT is mindfulness. While I had a mindfulness practice, seeing the impact that it had through the intentional application of key skills really made a difference for me. one of the principles the focus on is this idea of acceptance. When we cannot accept the situation for what it is, we tend to resist it. It is this resistance that causes more turmoil for us.
Pause here and think about the last time that you were met with a challenge. Consider your initial response. Was it calm, rational, and accepting? I know, I know- mine wasn't either!
What might acceptance look like in these moments and what might the process be? In my experience the first few steps are simpler then you believe. Remember though that simple doesn't always mean easy.
The first step is to identify that there is a challenge. Sometimes one is so caught up in the emotions of the moment, that they don't even realize that there is a challenge that they are resisting. See the challenge for what it is- an opportunity to flex your skills.
Once you have identified that you are resisting a challenge, just pause. Pause the storytelling, the raised voice, the judgment, and the assumptions. One will not be able to move forward if they are caught up in this spiral.
Lastly, breathe! When one slows their breath down they begin to trigger the parasympathetic nervous system. This allows the brain to more fully take in the content and see it more clearly. take a moment to hold space for yourself here before you move forward.
When we have a clearer head, we have a greater opportunity to move against the challenges that we are experiencing. This all takes one step at a time. and if we can remember these basic steps we move closer towards equanimity and away from stress.